


We, Of Shepard

by wictorious



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst and Feels, F/M, Gen, Post-Game(s)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-03-12
Updated: 2014-06-19
Packaged: 2017-12-05 02:08:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/717639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wictorious/pseuds/wictorious
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the end of the war, the crew of the Normandy find themselves a long way from home. Shepard's MIA, and no one wants to believe that she may be dead. Kaidan Alenko, last human Spectre, doesn't know how to handle the new responsibilities he's been given... nor does he want to let go of the woman he loves.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Moment of Failure

**Author's Note:**

> After playing through the Mass Effect trilogy, from start to finish (including all of the DLC, now that they've been released), I got the urge to explore just what happened between the Normandy leaving London and the ship being repaired. Also, what happens after a certain special scene in the Destroy ending...

It was a minute of failure. He couldn't have convinced her though. With her determination and her bravery, she had more than the entire united galaxy, fighting until their last breath far above Earth, depending on her to strike the final blow. To end everything once and for all. There had been no time.

Deep down, even though he didn't want to accept it, he knew that he couldn't have gone with her. He could have tried, but she never would have let him. She loved him too much.

Two broken ribs and a fractured collarbone were the least of his worries as he watched her run into the light. That was the most painful moment of his entire life. Even worse than losing her the first time.

And he would never see her again.

─────

The Normandy's medbay was occupied with more patients than Kaidan had ever seen on his entire time serving aboard. Dr. Chakwas, as cool and composed as ever, was trying to keep things under control. She was damn good at it.

Few words were spoken. Nothing but business. The medics she had were doing their best as fast as they could. They didn't have time to figure out what was happening outside. Kaidan envied them in a way.

As he lay there, his body limp and wounds exposed for work, he tried to focus on something other than his thoughts. The bright lights eventually grew dimmer. The humming of the ship became distant. Everything detached.

When they finally finished patching him up, he was given orders to rest. One of the medics had given him something to help him sleep. He'd tried to object. Sleep was the last thing he wanted to do. If he slept, he might not be able to see her again.

Eventually, he lost the fight.

─────

_You were always stubborn._

"Shep?"

─────

His eyes fluttered open. He didn't remember falling asleep. How much time had passed? The medbay was quiet now. Those who were still too injured to leave had lost consciousness some time ago and were still resting.

"Major," her crisp accented voice sounded relieved. Dr. Chakwas moved into his view. A chart rested in her gloved hands. Somehow after everything he'd seen earlier, she looked relaxed, and a brief smile graced her face. "Good to see you've pulled through. I had no doubts, though. You've been through much worse."

His body lagged a bit as he managed to raise a hand to his face. Fingers brushed against fresh bruises and scabs.

"Doctor." His voice was course. Stifled, even.

"That body of yours is quite stubborn. I don't think it would give up, even if it were paid to." She pulled over a seat and crossed one leg over the other. "Lieutenant Vega told me what happened."

He wasn't ready for this conversation.

"Where is she?" He wanted to get right to the point. "Did she do it?"

Chakwas hesitated for a moment. "Yes. Yes she did."

"Where is she?" He needed to know.

"Don't worry, Doc. I'll handle things from here." Someone else's voice. Kaidan looked towards the door to the medbay. It was Vega. He looked worse for wear. "There's a pot of coffee on in the kitchen. I figure you could use some after the night you've been having."

Chakwas slowly rose from her seat. There were no disagreements there. Her other patients would be fine for the time being with the medics hovering over them. As she left the room, James filled her empty seat.

"Damn, you're one tough sonuva bitch, sir." James gave Kaidan a once over, registering the various applied bandages and medical repairs that had been made to his body. "Guess you guys were right about biotics being superior and all."

His attempt to lighten the mood didn't work. Kaidan waited for an answer to his question.

"Hackett ordered all allied forces out of the area. Said the crucible was online and ready to be fired." He swallowed hard. "You know, Joker gave them a piece of his mind. Said that he couldn't abandon her, that he owed her big time. Man was speaking for all of us."

Kaidan could already feel it creeping up. Those tiny little words. Apologies. And then silence.

"He really did try, sir. You should've seen how much lip he was givin' command. If he'd been anyone else, they might've discharged him right there on the spot." Vega crossed his arms, revealing a large gash that Kaidan hadn't seen yet. Chakwas' handy work had closed it up and stopped it from bleeding. With luck, he might not have a scar. "She was in there. In the crucible. Last I heard, Anderson was with her. Comms with her got shut off after things started getting bad."

Maybe, just maybe, she was alive. She and Anderson, they were a pair to be reckoned with. He couldn't imagine anything could kill those two.

"Channels have been pretty scattered since then. Some kind of massive energy explosion messed with everything after we evac'd Earth's atmos. Couldn't have been anything else but the crucible."

"We're going back."

That statement caused James to lock up. He looked as if he was choosing his words carefully.

"Major, look, I know you're a Spectre and all, and you're the highest ranking officer on board and--"

"Shepard wouldn't have left us behind." His voice was so sure. So damn sure. "We're going back for her. Anderson too."

"I know you're not gonna like hearing this." James' voice fell. "We can't go back."

Kaidan could only stare at the Lieutenant.

"That energy blast did something to the relays. We can't get back to the Sol system." James shook his head. "I'm sorry, sir."

─────

The first reports came a couple days later. The channel had poor reception, and things weren't entirely clear, but one message was received and understood. Anderson's body was found.

Hope began to fade.

─────

Joker wasn't himself. Neither was Kaidan. The two of them just sat, side by side, in the cockpit. However, it was very different from the old days. No jokes were passed, nor comments about their mission. There was a mutual silence. They had both lost someone they loved dearly.

Though, Kaidan felt horrible telling himself that at least Joker had a body to bury.

─────

They were running out of fuel. Systems were shutting down. Without EDI, the engineers were having trouble keeping things going.

The ship was dark, and the crew had long since abandoned a majority of their posts.

Kaidan was halfway down the deck of the CIC when he heard Joker over the comm. They were going to have to land. It was their only shot.

─────

Sunlight felt strange and alien to Kaidan. It felt as if he'd been in darkness for years. Hell, his face looked like it; he hadn't bothered to shave in the time after London, and bags had taken a near permanant place under his eyes.

The crew began to slowly filter out of the Normandy. Having dirt beneath their feet took a little getting used to since it didn't hum and vibrate.  
Joker was the first one to speak.

"She would have liked this place. I think she would have wanted to be buried here."

Burying an AI wasn't such an abstract idea anymore. EDI had been far from just another machine. She had been one of them.  
Though the Normandy was her first body, and the one Joker had grown to love first, the former Cerberus drone she used as a second body would eventually be lowered into a plot of ground, surrounded by wild flora, and everyone would take a moment to reflect on how an AI effected their lives.

Kaidan hadn't known EDI as long as most of the others, but he paid his respects. EDI had, after all, been Shepard's friend.

─────

Repairs to the ship were slow at first. They were most concerned about keeping communications open. Liara's cache of Shadow Broker equipment was eventually rigged together with what still worked in the Comms room.

With luck, the distress beacon they had activated would eventually hail someone. They couldn't be the only ones in the system.  
Recon of the area hadn't turned up any nearby colonies or settlers. It also hadn't revealed any carnivorious wildlife. Yet.

Garrus had been leading the recon teams. His trigger finger had been itching since he hadn't gotten a chance to finish the reapers himself. If there was something they had plenty of, it was thermal clips, so no one made a fuss over Garrus releasing a few rounds into a tree every now and then. If anyone had asked, he always told them that his eyes were going and he must have been seeing things.

Tali kept herself busy with repairs. She and the engineers had quite the operation going. Engineer Adams had long since accepted that he wasn't the one giving orders, and even liked it that way. Tali knew what she was doing and getting in her way wasn't a wise decision. She'd taken to scavenging various appliances on the ship's kitchen for parts. She'd even managed to convince Traynor to part with her toothbrush.

Javik spent the hours of daylight standing as a silent sentinel outside the parameter of the ship. He'd already spent 50,000 years in cryosleep. He'd since become a master at keeping in one place for long periods of time.

When James wasn't keeping inventory on what they still had, or lugging things around for those less physically fortunate, he was usually found at a makeshift table, with a deck of cards and a couple of the younger members of the crew. Teaching them card games was something of an enjoyment to him. Other times, he'd shower them with stories about heroes and legends. Some Kaidan knew were myths. Some hit a little closer to home than he could stand to hear.

Cortez and Joker bantered about the benefits of piloting smaller craft versus ships. They did this while using the Kodiak to scout the forest that surrounded the Normandy from above. They weren't able to do it every day, but it became something of a ritual, so they made sure to do it at least a couple times a week. Kaidan had joined them once. It had been one time too many, and he left the craft with a minor headache.

Liara counseled those who wanted it. It had never been officially offered, but her advice always managed to make those around her feel better, and so everyone would seek it. Kaidan spoke to her the most. They shared a bond they had no name for. It was not romantic, nor was it friendship. It was something in between, something held together by their undying faith to Shepard. Something like family.

─────

"I hear that James finally got you to smile." Her voice was gentle. The sun was beginning to set and its crimson rays gave her Asari-blue skin a violet appearance. She sat beside Kaidan and set down a datapad she had been inspecting before she found him. "You know that he made a bet with Cortez and Garrus that he could get you to smile by the end of the week."

She placed a graceful hand upon his shoulder, taking care not to touch his healing collarbone.

"You had the same dream again, didn't you?" She turned to stare at his worn features. She could hardly recognize him now. "Kaidan, please, talk to me."

Brown eyes lifted from the ground, and he met her gaze. The sunset's flare drew shadows across half his face, obscuring the last of his remaining facial wounds.

"She was dying, Liara." He paused, and took a deep breath to steady his voice. "She was dying and I couldn't say anything. I couldn't do anything."

Liara's hand fell from Kaidan's shoulder and clasped into his. She gave it a squeeze.

"You're blaming yourself. You didn't let her die, Kaidan." Liara knew how much he hurt. "You didn't. She had to make a choice. She wanted to give us all our best chance."

"I should have gone with her. I lost her again, Liara." He thought he could still see the way she'd looked at him when they were back on the streets of London. Back when all of his fears of the worst seemed so far away because he was with Shepard. They were side by side, fighting together, and that was all he had wanted. But now, he was alone. "I promised her that I wouldn't lose her and now... now I can't forgive myself."

"Can you imagine how hard it must have been for her to do that alone?" Liara let some of her own emotions slip out into the question. "I imagine that if she had seen a way out, a clear shot, she would have wanted us to be there with her. But she was afraid of losing us. We were her friends. We were her most prized possession. We were what she was fighting for in the end."

For a while, they were still. They watched as the last glimpse of light sank into the horizon, and even afterward, Liara kept Kaidan company.

"I just," Kaidan began, closing his eyes. "I just want some closure."

"I know," Liara answered, leaning her tired head against Kaidan's shoulder. "We all do."


	2. Hauntings

_"I think we've definitely broken every reg in the book."_

  
_The flames in front of them crackled peacefully, contained in a sleek modern fireplace. The long leather couch gave them plenty of room to sprawl out, their limbs overlapping parts of one another. Clothes were half on and hair was messy. But they couldn't have cared less. They were happy._

  
_"We're the worst kept secret in the galaxy, Major." She looked up from the resting place her head had taken on his chest. "I wouldn't be surprised if Hackett knew."_

  
_"Shepard, you've saved the galaxy. Twice." More times than he had. "My guess is that at this point, the good Admiral knows better than to wave regulations at you, 'the first human Spectre and savior of the galaxy.' Hell, Shep, everyone you meet learns sooner or later that you always break rules when they get in your way."_

  
_She gave him a devilish grin and ruffled a hand through his greying black hair._

  
_"Spectres do what they have to to get the job done, Kaidan. We're just... doing our job."_

  
_He couldn't complain with that logic. With a crisp chuckle, he laid back as Shepard crawled up high enough to look straight down into his face. There were signs of war, slight scars here and there, but her face was still beautiful. He even loved the wrinkles forming around her eyes and mouth._

  
_"And that is why I love you," he whispered, still breathless from gazing at her. "You always know how to make me forget the world, how to keep me sane in times like these. You're... well," he drew in a long breath, "_ _you're damn amazing."_

  
_"I learned from the best, Major," she answered back, just before locking lips with his. This must be what euphoria feels like, he thought. Kaidan never wanted this night to end. He didn't want to come back down to the ground..._

 

* * *

  
He woke from his sleep quite suddenly. For a moment, he thought he was with her again. Fatigue slowly faded from his body and his sight became clear.  
His heart sank. The space next to him was empty. There were no traces, no signs that she had ever slept in the bed. The sheets were smoothed over, and only crumpled where his body contoured with it. It frustrated him.

  
Distraught, he lifted himself from the mattress and slung his legs over the side. It was hot, and he was covered in sticky sweat. He needed to take a walk and clear his mind.  
The cabin was still filled with little things that used to be hers. Pictures, trinkets, and memorabilia from various missions. The one thing that always caught him off guard was a framed picture in the corner of her desk. She once told him how she'd gotten it, before the Alliance had retrofitted the ship, back when she had been helping Cerberus.

  
The picture was grainy, and a few years old, but the face was quite recognizable. Every time he glanced at it, he felt as if he were looking into a mirror of the past. She'd dug it up from Alliance records, a boring identification photo from his days as a Lieutenant, as it had been one of the only things she could obtain of his after he'd been assigned to classified detail work.

  
And he always felt worse remembering how she must have felt after Horizon. Especially if she'd had his picture that entire time. He was glad she kept it, which meant even after his stubborn dismissal of her actions, she had still felt something for him.

  
Part of him wished he had a picture of her to frame. Her face was fading from his memories with every day that passed.

 

* * *

  
"I remember when I first saw her again, back on Omega," Garrus reminisced, as he peered down the scope of his rifle. "In fact, it was through this very rifle. The moment I saw her face in my sights, I was damn relieved to see her alive."

  
Somewhere in the distance, Kaidan could hear the chirping of birds. At least, something like birds. The branches of the trees below the cliff they were perched on swayed in the breeze. Kaidan didn't mind lying on his belly in the grass. They'd been blessed with a perfect day.

  
"You know," Garrus began again, pulling his attention away from his prey, "I never thought for one second that she was actually working for Cerberus. Shepard always had something up her sleeve. She was careful. She never took risks unless she thought it was the best course of action."

  
He laid his rifle on the ground beside him to rest, and pulled himself up into a crouch.

  
"And when it was time to take down the Collectors, she told us we had a choice. We could have all walked away. But we didn't. We were ready to die for her."

  
Kaidan joined Garrus in sitting up, though, he had a bit of trouble due to residual soreness in his ribs.

  
"That's why I was surprised you never came. Hardly anyone had the courage to say no to her."

  
"Why are we talking about this?" Kaidan grumbled, giving the Turian a hard glare. "Shepard and I, we moved past Horizon."

  
"Because seeing you again, having you tell her that she had betrayed the Alliance... it never stopped her. She never doubted herself. If anything, it drove her further to do what was right."

  
"I know," Kaidan muttered under his breath.

  
"Don't take it so hard. I think Shepard's plan all along was to make the entire galaxy look bad compared to her. And I say that she definitely accomplished that. No one's come close to being the person she was."

  
"Is." Kaidan corrected Garrus. "The person she is."

  
Garrus didn't quite know how to apologize for his poor choice of words, so instead, he lifted his rifle and resumed scoping a pesky Pyjak resting on a tree branch. Kaidan only grew more furious.

  
"You think she's dead," Kaidan bluntly stated.

  
A shot fired from the rifle. A flock of birds scattered out into the sky, leaving the forest in silence. Garrus sighed and lowered the scope once again, taking a moment to gather his thoughts.

  
"No. I don't. Not yet. How can I when she's been giving death the slip for years?" Garrus stood up from his spot on the ground. He slung the rifle into the holster on his back, and turned in the direction of the Normandy camp. "You know what? I think we could both use a good meal right about now. I hear James is planning a feast."

 

* * *

  
Somehow, Kaidan had become the unofficial overseer of all the repairs being done on the Normandy. Perhaps it was because he wasn't really good at one thing or another, and mostly just went where he was needed. Or maybe it was because he started sleeping in Shepard's cabin and that was enough of an excuse to put responsibility on to his shoulders.

  
Whatever had started it, he couldn't get rid of it. And so he did what he could, making sure everyone had what they wanted and things were moving steadily.

  
This particular day had him checking what they still had left in rations. Out of all the crew members, only Tali and Garrus needed Dextro-protein foods. Between them, they'd done well to conserve what they'd had left, but Kaidan knew that if they didn't repair the ship fast enough, things might start to get bad.

  
As for the other crew members, they'd found a couple of edible plants growing in the area. Most of them were less filling than a basic salad, but they were still food, none the less.

  
A spice rack that James had smuggled on to the ship had gotten heavy use during their time on the planet. The Lieutenant had made the crew very happy people after rediscovering it in the cupboard of the ship's mess room.

 

* * *

  
"Whoa-whoa, _Esteban_ ," Vega jeered, "If you're gonna play the game, you gotta play by the rules."

  
A very lukewarm expression settled on Steve's face. "I didn't think you were being serious."

  
"Oh, come on, it's just a bit of fun," Samantha chimed in. A large grin connected one cheek to another. "And besides, you haven't got anything to hide, mmm?"

  
"Yeah, _vato_ , show us what you got!" James leaned back in his chair.

  
"Not that you haven't already seen everything I have to offer." Like he'd been through the process a million times before, Steve sighed and began reaching his arms around his abs to lift his shirt off his chest.

  
A group of onlookers, mostly Ensigns, whistled and gave a shout. It was like they'd never witnessed a proper game of strip poker before.

  
"Oh-ho-ho," Vega shuffled the cards in between his thick hands. Steve's shirt landed in the middle of their table, right where chips would be if they were playing the game normally. "See? No big deal. Shirt's nothing, man."

  
James dealt the cards with a smug, accomplished look. A new hand landed in front of Kaidan, who had been too busy shaking his head and laughing under his breath to give much commentary. Traynor sat beside him, putting on the worst poker face he'd seen in a long time.

  
"Someone looks amused," Steve commented. "I think the Major's actually smiling."

  
"You're mistaking my embarrassment for pleasure, Lieutenant," Kaidan grimaced, tightly fingering his cards. Poker wasn't exactly his strong suit, but the crew as of late had shifted their priorities towards Kaidan's well-being, and had started a side project of trying to lift the poor man's spirits. Thus, they had dragged him into participating in a light-hearted game of strip poker.

  
He welcomed the distraction, strangely, as his mind had been heavy as of late with thoughts he wanted to let go of temporarily.

  
The past couple of nights had been plagued with night terrors and horrible visions. Kaidan hadn't been able to sleep soundly because of it. Shepard was always there, in his head, ready to kick him back into gear if he ever thought he could get a good night's rest.

  
He would lay awake for hours, imagining what her last moments must have been like.

  
What had been inside the crucible? What had she and Anderson seen? How had Anderson died?

  
Cold sweat would cover his body and he would gasp for breath, results of his nightmares of being caught under rubble, burning alive under white-hot scrap metal, or bleeding out with no voice to call for help.

  
It was Traynor who shifted reality back to the dingy little poker table, far away from the theater of war above Earth. Far away from Shepard.

  
"Alright, boys. Let's see what you've got to offer." She grinned hard, peeking over the edge of her cards like a proper cheshire cat. Staring down each and every one of her opponents, she settled her sights on Kaidan, who seemed to be returning from the inner-most depths of his mind.

  
"Alenko," she purred, "Care to do the honors? Show us all how it's done?"

  
A slow shrug answered her question, and Kaidan dropped his cards for all to see, not realizing he might actually have something worthwhile to play.

  
James, however, let out a low howling laugh. A small tear was left in the corner of his eye when he finally finished, leaving everyone else on the edge of their seats and perplexed.

  
"Alright, _pendejos_ , get a good look and get ready to get naked."

  
What James had to offer was a pretty good challenge to Kaidan's measly two-pair.

  
"I fold," Steve volunteered, tossing his cards off to the side. "Someone else can show some skin this time."

  
That left Traynor still quite amused by her fellow players, and very much unwavering.

  
"Something tells me that Sammy Wham's got something up her sleeve," Vega fake-whispered to the various onlookers gathered around the playing table. "Who's ready to see the _swole patrol_ light up this house?"

  
Traynor placed her cards neatly down for all to see, causing James to immediately rip off his shirt. There were plenty whistles and hoots for the man's body, and as if right on cue, James pointed straight at Kaidan.

  
"Alright, man, shirt off. Let's see those biotic homegrown pecs."

  
Kaidan had already reluctantly began the process of removing his standard white undershirt that had taken the place of his usual uniform top in the days past. Compared to Vega's nurtured and sculpted six pack, glistening in the light, Kaidan offered one very black and blue, scarred to hell, and lightly hair-speckled torso in return.

  
"Ouch," James winced, almost feeling the wounds take place on his own body where he could see them on Kaidan's.

  
"Yeah," Kaidan replied, all too used to the sight of his battered body. He'd long since come to terms with the pain since it reminded him that he had once been fighting the good fight alongside Shepard. Kaidan returned Vega's simple sentiment in hopes people would look past it. "Ouch."

  
There was a small wave of silence as everyone took a good hard look at the Major's chest. The levity of the game hadn't died down, but it sure had taken a peculiar tone. Steve broke the silence, giving Kaidan a way out.

  
"You ever think about getting some ink done, Major?" He raised an eyebrow at the suggestion. "James here's an amateur tattoo artist. Anything you can think of, as long as it's a poorly drawn sword or roman numerals, he'll slap that baby right on you with only the specific brand of expertise a child with a crayon could offer."

  
It was that moment that James whipped his shirt right in the direction of Cortez's head, putting the game on hold. The two began their usual routine of taking jabs at each other until they mutually settled on the worst of their mockeries.

  
While they prattled on, Kaidan thought about the question seriously. _Why not?_ After all, his body was already covered in everything else the world had to offer.


End file.
